Hard Rock

 The hard rock Hotel: a walking heart attack of 5* Tenerifan Trash Tourism

Chanel 31 Rue Cambon Paris

Louis Vuitton trainers

The Chloé handbag

Balenciaga T-shirt. Just that black with writing on the front.

The brand names are everywhere. 

It's a heroin-chic, post-gastric band, Turkish teeth funhouse polished with a touch of no class whatsoever. The choices are endless. Who is due the next stroke? Who will purchase the Next bottle of Moët? Why is the defibrillator not on marked on the hotel map?

Now that we have entered and seen the indigenous fauna, It is surprising that there were so many taxis outside the foyer on arrival, rather than ambulances taking away the cadavers.

It's 2006 American Awards Britney Bitch dress meeting a Meatloaf outfit and Madonna's note on a latest property deal from the early days of her fame. Lady Gaga's outfit is displayed Next to lyrics. It is Papa - Paparazzi.

Remember that Britney shaved her hair a year later. 

Glitz and glamour in the foyer from the stars and then suddenly some enlarged lips come into view that are uneven from a woman checking in. Collagen infectious plumped up juggernauts stroll through the grounds on are-they-real-or-not Louis Vuitton flip flops. They are unstoppable and uncouth and brash. Only an overdose could stop them - and if we look at the scars it seems that those extra strength dealz lacked enough charge to finish the job.

It's rough.

Whiter than White Teeth offset by poor skin and bad tattoo choices sweep the corridors. A lip job gone wrong is on every corner. How many ml should they not have had injected?

Then the frog appears. An unfortunate blend of DNA which has also been hammered by too many festivals. During the day, she can be seen moving like a thin slug by the +18 pool. The tattoos are in pink and in the hazy light It is not clear what is sunburn and what is tattoo. At night, the leather hot pants come out to play and she moves in and out of the buffet, avoiding any vegetables or fruit, shovelling the pizza onto a plate.

Then there are the tattoos. They are something else. 

Chapped 5* elegance. 

Hard Rock Tenerife.

The rooms? Thankfully, gorgeous 

The evening entertainment? 

Unforgettable.